my new xanga:

www.xanga.com/benign_reality

in choir we've been assigned a final. we have to sing a piece longer than two minutes for the class. i chose to sing my immortal.... woot! and bernardo is playing the piano. we've been working pretty hard on it so whoo hoo!!! im trying to spend as much time with him as possible b/c hes leaving in june :'(  so i'll be sure to let you know how all that turns out.

justin and i have been doing SO much better. im the happiest ive ever been in my life!! i have the best boyfriend in the world. (even when im pissed at him.. hes still the best boyfriend in the world!)

justin and i have stopped talking to adam and melissa. im too lazy to type the story. but none the less... fuck their lives.. lol.

ive officially decided to quit at In N Out. fuck that place lol. my favorite shoes were stolen from my locker, along with my dickes and apron pin... so ive had enough lol. so im looking for a new job.

sarah somewhat cheated on sean. she told me that the other nite at work... that after she got off.... johnny came up to her and asked to see her tits. without question, she agreed. and she let him touch them and shit. stupid whore. haha.

xavier and i arent talking any more. his stupid girlfriend is getting in the way. but whatever.

now.. back to bernardo moving. doesnt it suck that i FINALLY FIND someone i can trust with my EVERYTHING and the world decides to take him away from me?! well i guess thats just the way it has to be.im just trying to get over the fact that hes leaving. but there is someone whos really making this b/s easier.... chrissy is right up there in my trust zone next to bernardo. hopefully i can get to know her better. last saturday i told her i consider her one of my best friends she was stoaked about that. so we'll see how things go with her. chrissy if your reading this.. i love ya gorgeous!

now.. one more thing. i told my mom that im thinking of not going to college and going to cosmetics school to do hair, make-up, etc... she said that its not a real career.. bla bla bla. so if i chose to do that.. im on my own. and right when i get thrown out into the world... justins going to bootcamp. fuck that. ugh. im starting to cry. dammit i hate being such a girl lol. later guys.

the performance went very well. my mom, justin, and his mom all came to watch. marnie was actually civil with me. justin told me that he thinks shes almost let go of the whole thing. shes in that phase... where... shes not mad at me anymore.. but shes embarrassed for being such an asshole for the past 4 months... so shes trying to ease her way back to being nice. so things are definately looking up. im getting to spend more time with justin because marnie is beginning to hate me less. so thats a good thing.

a while back, justin told me he was going to look into joining the airforce. i didnt think much of it.. because hes always changing his mind. but.. lately, hes been going to meetings with recruiters, and interviewing people in the airforce to see what its like................................ and its scary. because.. its hitting me. i think he really may be going through with this. i know its a good move as far as job and financial security and all that.. but i dont want mmy baby to get hurt.. u know? plus.. the boot camp that hes talking about going to is about 2 hours from here. i just dont want to be without him. i know thats selfish but hey... i love him i cant help it lol. i dunno. i guess if we're really meant to be we'll pull through him being gone right?

so anyhoo... ive officially decided thatr after june, im going to find a different job. i wanna find a place to work where thay wont care if i get piercings. anybodeas where i should apply???

hey everyone.

its saturday, may 1st. today makes 2 years and a month for justin and i. yay us! hehe. despite what others seem to think, (yeah fuck you adam) justin and i are doing very well. =) we're really happy together right now..

tomarrow is the creation performance.. me, jessica, and meagan are singing with point loma tomarrow i cant wait. we've worked really hard. so if any of you are free tomarrow.. its at Pt Loma Nazarene university at 3pm in Crill hall. i promise you wont be dissapointed!

but yeah..speaking of jessica and meagan. today, we went to the dress rehearsal. hanging out with those girls is so much fun. but.. its sadening at the same time. they are so close.. theyre the best of friends.... and today on the drive home.. watching them sing to resputina... just made me realize how much i want that. i want a best friend. i want someone to be that close with. yes, i have justin. hes my best friend in the world. annd i hae close friends. but i dont have anyone.. that i can have come over and sleep over.. i dont have anyone that i can tell everyone to. and there are 3 girls right now.. that are hopefuls.. u kno.. but they are all playing a subconsious game with me. the whole come-here-go-away thing. so its just a little saddening.

alrite enuff self pitty haha. i went to the tanning salon today after the rehearsal. i was a little down so i had to spoil myself hehe. i did the UV boothe and the 6 second insta-tan. i think it looks awesome. :) its only gonna last a few days though. so im gonna go back after it wears off and get one of the packages :)

well i'll see yall later! i got nothin else to say

bitch,

i hate you. i hate you more than a vampire hates the daylight. i hate you more than humans hate rejection. i hate you more than life hates death. i hate you more than san diego hates the rain. i hate you more than i hate me.

i feel so trapped by you. you make me feel completely helpless, and powerless. i say you are not worth my tears. then why do i cry so much because of YOU?

i cant believe i allow you to fuck up the one thing in the world that makes me happy. i cant believe i havent stopped you yet. i cant believe that you can still smile and go about your flimbsy lifestyle, knowing that you cause so much pain.

one of these days, im going to break. dont let me catch you alone.

yours truly, xSashax

sorry everyone. but i cant really say that to her, so im letting it out here. if you cant tell who its to, ask. im gonna go to the gym. thank god for twenty-four hour fitness.